The Cross

The stamping of feet in my head increases steadily as does the screaming voice, "But I don't want to!"

I don't want to carry this cross anymore,
I want to hand it back,
I have had enough.

It's not what I would have chosen anyway,
God got it wrong,
Does He really know what He is doing?!

These thoughts have tormented me today.

  Just for today I cannot see the sense in the suffering and I really do question my place here on earth.  Did I really come into being just for the sole purpose of being a sick person, an unpaid carer and a voice crying in the wilderness?

The frustration rankles me and what peace there may have been at the beginning of the day, has for sure waned by the day's end.

Then in the silence of the writing these words won't let me go:

BE STILL

Be still and know:

That I am God.
That I love you.
That My Son gave His life for you.
That all is not lost.
That I see your pain.
That I am with you every moment of every day.
That in your darkest moments I Am The Light.
That nothing is wasted.
That I make all things new.
That all will be revealed.
That there is an answer to your why?

Keep hoping, keep trusting and keep your eyes on ME.

Your loving Father in Heaven x 

Easy Elderberry Jam

We have a freezer draw full of these delectable jewels and given the fact that, our redcurrants are ready to harvest, a jam making session was long overdue!  

Elderberry Jam

Ingredients

Elderberries washed but not de-stalked

Sugar

Jam Thermometer

Large Crock pot

Clean Jars

1.  Place the washed jars onto a baking tray and bake at 100C.  Once the oven is up to temperature bake for half an hour to sterilize.

2.  Place the jam lids in a pan of boiling water and boil on a stove top until needed.

3.  Place the washed berries in a crock pot, add a little water to prevent sticking to the base and cook on a medium heat until the berries have softened and burst.

4.  Once the mixture has cooled, place a fine mesh sieve over a mixing bowl and slowly tip the berry mixture into the sieve.  Using the back of a metal spoon press the mixture to release as much juice as possible.

5.  Once the mixture has been strained, place the crock pot onto some weighing scales so that the liquid can be measured as it is tipped in.  The amount of sugar needed is 75% of the liquid weight.

6.  Place the liquid onto the hob and heat slowly.  Whilst the liquid is heating, warm the correct amount of sugar on a low setting in the microwave.  This will make it easier to dissolve.

7.  Once the sugar has warmed, add to the elderberry liquid and turn up the heat to a rolling boil.  Use the thermometer to check the temperature and once 102C has been reached, stir continuously for a period of 8-10 minutes.

8.  Don't worry about skimming off the scum, should any form add a tiny piece of butter at the end of the cooking time and the scum will disperse.

9.  Let the liquid cool for 15 minutes and then tip into the sterilised jars.

Naturally home made jam calls for a home made treat and so when my friend Debbie called on Sunday, we enjoyed a different Sunday Gathering snack and an afternoon tea was the order of the day!  This gal is my stalwart friend and  it was nice to present her with a well deserved gift at the end of her second year at University.

 Even Peter Rabbit joined in the fun!

From The Margins

 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

James 1 v 12

Some folk write in the margins of time and others live in the margins, whether that be through homelessness, substance abuse, unemployment or disability.  Living in the margins is a hard and often times lonely road which can be made worse by "seeing" others live a charmed existence; one only has to scroll through a Facebook feed or scour a Pinterest board for such evidence.

Living in the margins is an SAS training ground for those willing to accept a challenge and the "green beret" is in fact the crown and eternal prize talked about in the book of James.  We are running the race set out before us and it is a one man competition!  Each track is pertinent to one individual only and so their is little gain in looking left or right or even over your shoulder! It is a case of keep your head down and keep going!

Even if it is impossible to find your tribe within your own physical community, the internet has made the world a smaller place and through careful consideration real friendships can be forged and sustained across the miles.

In an ideal world I would share a cup of tea with my friend Sue after having had an early morning walk in the Australian Bush.  We would chat about self directed learning and she would reassure me not to worry about Benedict and that everything will turn out OK.

With a hop, skip and a very big jump I would land in Houghton, New York State just in time for lunch with my dear friend Eva!  We would chat about life in general and if her husband Peter were home from campus I am sure he would keep us entertained with his sense of humour!  The family Christmas letters are  funnier each year :-)

Of course if I am going to be in New York then I absolutely have to visit my friends in the big apple.  We were fortunate to have Chanda stop with us for a few days last summer and that girl lives, eats and breathes ballet!  I would enjoy observing one of her dance classes, we would have tea at Chocolate Bar and take a walk along the high line admiring the view over the Hudson River.

There is a friend who I have yet to meet who graciously opened her doors and her heart a few years ago in welcoming our daughter Sara to her home in the Scottish Isles.  We might be separated by land and sea but our faith is the tie that binds us.  A light of a candle and an arrow prayer said in the early hours might seem insignificant to some but to those suffering in the margins it is priceless.

Thankfully we are blessed to know a real life home schooling family and what began as a tentative internet connection has blossomed into a sustainable friendship.  Not for nothing is that gal known as sustainable mum.  She has a great love of the outdoors, frugality and growing your own.  Lunchtimes are peppered with food from her back garden and she doesn't quell at the thought of catering for whacky dietary needs!  Our physical abilities might be poles apart but there is never any sense of inadequacy on our part; we love hearing about their wild camping adventures and all things craft related really unites that bond.

Sometimes those on the margins might be the folk you live with day after day.  It is easy to reach out a hand to a stranger but it can be a challenge when it is much closer to home.  This can be especially hard in a caring role where the work done is often unseen and therefore unappreciated in the context of the wider world.  We have only to look at the proposed goverment cuts to ascertain exactly what is of "value" and yet without the input of unpaid carers our society would be socially and financially poorer.

The heart of hospitality is finding people in the margins and bringing them in; what can you do to help someone on the margins today?

Two Uses For A Failed Home Made Yogurt

Despite following the recipe to the latter including heating the milk correctly and placing in a warmed thermos, when I woke this morning the culture had only thickened slightly and resembled a very thin cream.  It became evident that re heating the mixture was a no-go so the only option was to make a soda bread loaf:

Irish Soda Bread

Pre- Heat the oven to 200C

170 grams gluten free self raising flour

170 grams gluten free plain flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon bicarbonate soda

290 ml/l buttermilk (or in my case the yogurt/milk mix!) 

1. Place the dry ingredients in a bowl.

2. Pour in the liquid and mix thoroughly to form a soft dough.

3. Place on a greased baking sheet in a round and cut a cross across the top, to let the fairies out!

4.  Bake in the centre of the oven for about 30 minutes until golden brown and hollow sounding when tapped.

5.  Leave to cool on a wire rack and serve sliced with butter.

 Thin Yogurt Culture.

 Wet and Dry Ingredients.

 Soft dough before baking.

Yummy Bread.

There was just enough left to make a banana, peanut butter and chia seed smoothie for me:

Breakfast in a glass.

Monday Baking

The day began with porridge, fresh coffee, fluffy drop scones and homemade/homegrown blackcurrant compote:

 Little Miss PJ very pleased with the spread.

 The secret to the fluffy scones was whipped up coconut milk!

After the school run and recycling/shopping trip, I made the sticky ginger cake and lemon and almond muffins whilst tea was bubbling on the stove.

Sticky Ginger Cake

Grease and line a loaf tin.

Preheat the oven to 180c

75 grams unsalted butter

60grams sugar

150grams black treacle

150grams golden syrup

2 medium eggs beaten

225 grams gluten free self raising flour

1 teaspoon of mixed spice

1 teaspoon ground ginger

1. Melt the butter, sugar, treacle and syrup in a saucepan over a low heat until the butter and sugar have dissolved.  Leave to cool a little and then add the beaten eggs.

2.  Add the flour and spice mixture to a baking bowl and make a well in the centre.

3.  Pour in the melted mixture from the pan and stir until to smooth.

4.  Pour the mixture into the prepared tin and bake in a preheated oven at 180C for about 50 minutes until a skewer inserted in the centre comes out clean.  If the cake is browning to quickly cover it with foil.  Leave to cool in the tin and don't worry if it sinks in the middle.

This cake improves after a couple of days, it will keep in an airtight container for up to a week and freezes well.

 Lemon Curd and Almond Muffins

Makes 12 muffins.

Preheat oven to 180C

225 grams gluten free self raising flour.

50 grams granulated sugar.

1 medium egg

125ml semi skimmed milk.

75 grams unsalted butter.

A few drops of almond essence.

Lemon Curd

1.  Put 12 muffin cases into a muffin tray.

2.  Put the flour and sugar in a bowl and mix thoroughly.

3.  Mix the egg, milk, almond tincture and melted butter together in a jug and pour into the dry ingredients.  Mix lightly and do not over beat otherwise the muffins will be dense instead of light and fluffy.

4.  Fill each case with a heaped teaspoon of the muffin mixture, followed by a teaspoon of lemon curd and then top with a teaspoon of the muffin mixture.

5.  Bake in a preheated oven to 180C for about 30 minutes until golden brown.  Transfer to a wire rack to cool.

 

 

Living In Uncertain Times

The Budget was announced this Wednesday and as predicted the sick, disabled, lone parents and families on low incomes are the main target.

  The Government has a responsibility to manage the books but there is so much waste within internal departments that if efficiency were implemented in these areas savings could be made and then there is of course the unnecessary pay rise given to MP's including the PM himself and the ongoing fiddles regarding expenses which cost the nation a sizeable sum!

The effect on us as a family is as yet very unclear.  I have taken an online calculation that indicates nothing will change, apart from the fact that our tax credits will be frozen for the next four years.  However the Universal Credit is being rolled out and when that hits things will change.  My self employed earnings are a pittance.  I have some of my handmade items in a folksy shop but as a result of ongoing debilitating health issues I am unable to promote my goods.  Every time I try to make a step forward with regards to the business we are beset with problems from all sides.  Under the Universal Credit my " business" will be deemed unworkable as I am unable to meet the current minimum wage of £6.40 an hour and so our income will drop significantly.

We are also dealing with the fallout in health issues and once again that has been my reason for being absent here.  I try to work on a policy that if I am unable to make a positive contribution then I would rather remain silent but that is not an honest reflection of where we are as a family. 

I am currently living with an ME/fibromyalgia flare up that has been ongoing since March of this year.  I also had a worrying breast lump scare in amidst all of that and although the lump is benign the stress and worry took its toll.  Everything was exacerbated by trying to remain up beat for certain family members who cannot cope with sickness and so in order to placate them I was not honouring my own feelings and self worth.

Dave too is dealing with an MS deterioration and the children and I sit back and watch helplessly as he trips and stumbles through each day.   Dave has inherited a skewed attitude toward sickness and this  is now beginning to impact on the children.  When he fell and cut his knee yesterday he brushed away Benedict's obvious concern and this left Benedict feeling confused and sad.  I cannot change Dave's attitude toward sickness but I can validate and honour Benedict's feelings of love and concern for his Dad.

I have even battled with the question of continuing to write in this space.  When I first set out  it was to share our journey as a home schooling family but even that has not worked out as hoped!  We have a foot in both camps of school/unschooling and never the twain shall meet!  We have all of the hassles and none of the joys and throw in the age and gender difference between Benedict and Pip and you have a recipe for disaster :-)

However folk who know me say that I am a stalwart, a terrier when it comes to problem solving and most definitely not a quitter.  Therefore expect to see me popping by with the usual family and life updates as well as the odd recipe, web link or bible verse thrown in for good measure! 

I will leave you with a life verse given to me during a quiet time with God:

" The Lord is near, Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think on these things."

Catch up with you soon x

Surprise!

We had two wonderful sets of surprise visitors today.  First up Sara and Tom called late morning after having taken their petrol mower to the repair shop.  I did not get a shot of them but I did snap a picture of Benedict's  home made sweet potato and celery soup with tomato and garlic croutons:

Later in the day a voice called upstairs, "Hi mum!" It was Kathryn and Mary Grace!!  They stopped for tea and the little ones had great fun in the garden:

Benedict and I also had a productive day we watched a time team production of The Celts and Benedict used his mine craft skills to make a round house and hill fort.  I sat and worked on a shawl whilst watching the programme.  It has been a very long time since we both felt inspired to learn. 

Father's Day

I sometimes think that a day for parents is a bit over rated and is primarily a chance for the greeting card and gift industry to turn a profit!  That said with a bit of forethought and planning a lovely day can be had without breaking the bank.

Pip made some bookmarks and a star card when she was at school and Benedict remembered that Dave had a liking for iced coffee, so with money in his pocket he walked to our local Starbucks seller for a treat for his dad. Kathryn and Mary Grace had sent a lovely text message and a super cute personalised card.

We managed to speak to both our dads and the cards and chocolate treats were a real hit.  Dave takes his job as a father seriously and managed to remove a bumble bee from the conservatory, it reminded me of the time when my dad completely emptied my bedroom in order to catch a very big spider.  It was either that or me not sleeping in the room that night!!

We have had very changeable weather but the clouds finally rolled away and we ate our lunch on the decking at the bottom end of the garden:

Pip took Timmy doll for a walk in the Maclaren pushchair, we bought it when Benedict was six months old and he turned twelve last week!

Whilst Pip had her fairy day yesterday Benedict had fun with Debbie and her lads, they saw the sponge bob movie, pottered around town (she bought him this Star Wars set) and then they went back to her house for lunch and Lego building.

            Dave's coffee treat.

   Mixed Salad, Croutons, Butter Beans and Chorizo.

                       Mr Man and me.

Doing the dad thing playing swing ball with Pip.  The kids were also great in letting the aged parents rest after lunch and Dad is now having some much deserved workshop time.  A grand day at home.

A Fairy Day

As is customary, every year at midsummer we have celebrated a fairy day for Pip.  With her actual birthday two days before Christmas it all seems to pass by in a blur, so the midsummer solstice proved to be a very good time for a half yearly celebration.  There is only one other person that is allowed to celebrate in such a way and that is the Queen!

The day began very early with Pip waking at 5am, not through excitement but just her usual " I am ready to start the day mindset."  As per tradition, there was a present from the fairies which she managed to build,  until she reached the tricky part whereupon Dad's skills were called in to play:

By breakfast time the grey skies had given way to a light yet persistent drizzle but that did not dampen our spirits!!  I had set out the craft items in the caravan the night before so the morning was spent making the party food.  Pip joined in with the making of the fairy cakes:

By noon our guests had arrived and we all sat down to a help yourself lunch of sausages, sweet corn fritters, salad, baked beans and cheese jacket potatoes, followed by chocolate fridge cake and fairy cakes for dessert:

After lunch the girls enjoyed making a fairy dell complete with a flower fairy and her house, a Brachysome "tree", a mini washing line, a pistachio shell  path strewn with fairy dust and a wheat grass meadow waiting to grow:

The sun is shining and all is well x 

A June Daybook

Outside my window ... There are patches of colour amongst the green foliage.  The strawberries are prolific and have definitely benefited from being in the raised beds.

I am thankful for ... A coffee date with hubby this morning.  It was good to spend some quiet time together and as an additional treat a robin came to say hello:

I am wearing ... Denim coloured linen pants, a long sleeved raspberry/navy Paisley shirt and a pair of hand knitted socks.  It might be midsummer tomorrow in the north of the UK but it is chilly :-)

I am creating ... An aestlight shawl, an icon of St Raphael and food for Pip's fairy party tomorrow.

I am wondering ... Why we are struggling with so many health issues at the moment.

I am reading ... The permaculture way by Graham Bell.

I am hoping ... That the kids will cut Dave and I some slack over the weekend and actually manage to be in each other's company without fighting :-(

I am learning ... To lean heavily on God :-)

In my garden ... We have strawberries just waiting to ripen and red currant bushes dripping with fruit.

In my kitchen ... There is chaos!  We have just eaten an evening meal and the dishes are calling my name!

In the homeschool room ... I am treading uncharted waters aboard a ramshackle raft with no life jacket!  Homeschooling a frustrated pre teen diabetic boy is at times not fun.

A peek into my day:

A beautiful note for Pip from a dear sweet ballet mad friend who came to stay with us last year.  Thank you Chanda xx

I am joining in with : thesimplewoman.blogspot.co.uk

Apologies for being unable to make a link but we are minus a computer at the moment and I am using a blogger app for my phone! 

Hospitality Begins In The Heart

For weeks now I have been pondering the whole homemaking thing ... It has proved a welcome distraction from the ongoing sickness on my part. (I am having regular reviews with the GP and am currently on my second round of blood tests)

The homemaking often portrayed in the glossy magazines, cyber space and Pinterest is the immaculate version; white walls and carpets, beach themed or shabby chic decor and not an item out of place!  Totally not my version of reality whereupon I battle daily with discarded Legos, crumbs underfoot and the four o'clock panic of "What are we going to eat for dinner?"

Jesus version of hospitality although at first glance might appear overly simplistic is in fact quite a challenge, we are called to "love one another with brotherly affection and to outdo one another in showing honour."  This is not a call to showmanship in the clean sweep stakes or gourmet style cuisine, no it is a call to preferring the needs of the other and in having a servants heart.

Little did I know in rising very early with my youngest and by God's grace answering the call of service, I would meet Him in the quiet of the lounge whilst she happily appreciated the beauty of creation from the swaying of the swing.  We both had our needs met as the rest of the household slept on.

" Let love be genuine.  Abhor what is evil, hold fast to what is good.

Love one another with brotherly affection.  Outdo one another in showing honour.  Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve The Lord.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality."

And It Continues

Pip has recovered, Benedict started non stop vomiting this afternoon, I feel sick and Dave stumbled into bed with flu like chills and MS hassles as a result.  Here's hoping normal service will resume shortly :-)

Bad Luck

They say that bad luck comes in threes, but we've had a double dose this week :-)

On Monday as I was heading out to a hospital appointment with Benedict, one of the  valves blew on my car and so I limped home with a flat tyre and a cancelled appointment.

On Tuesday a "Trojan" by-passed our anti virus software and infected the computer and just like the gardeners nemesis, "convulvulus" it grew until there were over 1800 articles causing mayhem on the system.  It is still not completely right and I am currently typing on Sara's old computer, which we found in the caravan :-)

On Wednesday, Pip whilst changing out of her school uniform, knocked the iphone clean out of my hand and it went kapput, it is now on its way to the insurance assessors to see if it can be repaired or needs replacing.

On Thursday I developed an eczema on my legs which I have only ever had when pregnant with Benedict or Pip ... I am definitely not pregnant so I guess my hormones must be currently whacky at the moment.

On Friday the waistband on a pair of jeans rubbed several tiny holes in a brand new top, bought two days previously :-(  I now have to take said jeans back to the shop with the ruined top as proof of damage, the jeans will then be sent for product design testing.  I wouldn't mind but I hardly ever by a new clothes!

On Saturday Pip suddenly began with stomach flu and is currently in bed as I type. The house is very peaceful as in the kids are not scrapping but what a way to garner peace and quiet eh?!

I am off now to catch up with friends in the blogosphere and to sit with my knitting.  Here's hoping for a better week ;-)

Hope and Loss

Lisa Copen shared about this group on the invisible illness facebook page and I decided to join in.  Each day is accompanied by a prompt and the interpretations are as varied as the differing illnesses and difficulties faced by those of us within the group.  We are refusing to be disempowered by pain or a set of symptoms and the sense of community even in such a short space of time is tangible.  Here are my responses from yesterday which was the start date and today, my hope is that they will be a blessing to anyone who might drop by and read :-)

 Hope ~ This book reconnects me with the island in my memory.

Lindisfarne in Northumbria is one of those sacred places and despite the howling winds and the storm tossed sea, there was a peace in my heart that, I am not alone and all will be well:

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29 v 11

 

 Loss ~ I am a graduate from the university of life.

  This bear represents not only my loss in being unable to complete my degree course but for those precious family moments where I am conspicuous by my absence ~ kids birthdays, special church occasions, the first day of school, dance recitals and school pantomimes.  After a while the kids stopped asking or expecting me to show up.  Chronic illness runs to its own particular timetable.

 

Inspite of those lost years I refuse to dwell on the what ifs and should have beens and a quote that I read today sums it up beautifully:

"What lies behind and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us"  Ralph Waldo Emerson.

If you are having a bad day today, take strength from what constitues the core of your being x

Spring Break Snapshots

Pip finally returned to school this week after a two week Easter break.  We have had a busy time and managed to accomplish a variety of activities despite ongoing health problems.

 Pip and Benedict attended two full days at the local Mad Science event.  They had a great time, learned loads and enjoyed being around the other kids.

 When Pip attended an Easter camp at a local church with my friend Sallie, Benedict and Roland had a back garden camp, complete with fire bowl and provisions provided by mum!

 I finally took part in an art assignment  My friend Meg using the assembly line art challenge as a chance to organise a live google hang out on drawing a mandala.  The time chosen would have meant my getting up at 2am!  So I joined in a few hours late and Meg very kindly linked my work on her tumblr page.

 From Friday to Sunday there were only three of us at home as Pip went to stop with big sister Kathryn and Mary.  On the return journey home we stopped off for a yummy iced treat :-)

 Pip won a local easter egg competition organised by a local supermarket and linked in via her rainbow unit.

 Pip's treat that she shared with the rest of us!

 When it was time to collect Pip I met Kath and Mary at a half way point.  Sara and Tom joined us and we enjoyed coffee, cake and a play in the park. We even saw the helicopter in the background, take off as part of a scheduled service in the lake district.

 Would you believe it!  The shop is almost up and running.  Dave and Benedict were busy today uploading pictures and descriptions.

 A friend turns fifty on Friday so I made her a bag as a treat.  It is made from two pairs of old jeans, an assortment of odds and ends and a whole heap of non stop sewing!

 Beach huts and bunting.

 For some reason picasa and blogger were being awkward with this picture!  This quote from St Columbas forms part of the internal pocket of the bag.

Hoping to be popping in a bit more regularly, now that we have settled back into out "normal" routine :-)

The Kindness Of Kids

We have still been working on thinking about others and blessing folks where we can; however the last few days of the 40 Acts series have been more difficult to implement and I didn't manage any last week due to the icon workshop.  Benedict and Pip have taken the challenges to heart and so I thought I'd post some of their independent efforts here:

 A pop up cafe.

 Only a Lego mad kid could work out his own unique way of apologising and the really cool thing is that the pieces were all interlocking :-)

 

 A chocolate treat for Mother's Day on Laetare Sunday, which marked the midway point in Lent.  I cannot believe we are now in Holy Week.